OK

OK. Now that I have that off of my chest I will move on to the fun stuff again. Not tonight. It's 4:00 am. I screwed my Saturday because I took a long nap after work.

One More Post from me

I have a lot of guilt that I am trying to deal with. I knew Den was sick and getting sicker. I knew Den had faith in the VA. He had Major Medical insurance thru his company and his primary care doctors offices were 5 minutes away. The VA specialists were an hour drive away. I drove him the hour drive to the Salisbury appointments and I now know he cried because his spine and hips were broken because they were eaten up with cancer.

I should have followed my instincts and my amazing unbelievable friends, Mark and Lorie and called 911 weeks earlier. Why didn't I do what they told me what I must do? Mark told me what I needed to do. I didn't.

I am so very blessed to have friends like Mark and Lorie Williams. They are a gift from God. Lorie stayed with me, she slept on a cot next to Dens bed so she would be there for me the night we said goodbye to Den. Our children went home and Den was given massive morphine so he would sleep-all the machines were unplugged and I was able to climb in bed with him and hold him and snuggle with him for the last time. The nurses told me what to expect. His breathing with get slower etc... I had Lorie on a cot next to me and Dens bed and that gave me so much comfort. I held him all night and told him how much I loved him and told him how I was so proud of him and thanked him for being a great husband and father. He was unconscious and close to death at that time but he heard me and moaned. I know not many people get to say goodbye and hold their loved one as they pass away - but it still hurts soo bad. I remember holding Den in my arms and one hand was on his neck and the pulse in his neck stopped. I pressed the nurse button and she came in and and checked his blood pressure and she said he doesn't have a blood pressure anymore but his heart hasn't stopped yet. It will stop any minute. I cannot finish this tonight. Too painful

Hey Blog Followers

I just wanted to thank my new blog followers - not only the 16 in North America, but also the 7 people in Russia, the 1 person in Spain and the 1 person in Croatia. I'm back!

Hey Ya'll

I so do not like drama. I like watching it however. I LOVE watching the Real Housewives reality shows. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills might be my favorite so far. They are the richest, (pampered bitches), of all of the other Real Housewives. I do love Atlanta Housewives , New York Housewives and New Jersey as well.
I guess the reason my favorite is the Beverly Hills ladies is because they are so wealthy. Two nights ago when poor Charlie Sheen had another marathon alcohol and drug marathon, "according to TMZ", Charlie got a bad tummy ache. One of his "special friends that is an actress in not-for-TV-movies", called Charlies next door neighbor, who is a doctor and his wife is one the of the "real housewives"! How lucky is Charlie? OK.

I like seeing how the rich live. I have had a comfortable life and never in a million years could I imagine I would be a sudden widow with 4 children and the thousands of dollars we paid in life insurance for over 20 years - this is so painful to say - I didn't know - Dens policy was cancelled 2 months before his sudden death. When you don't pay the monthy premium, (over $100.00 for over 20 years), the insurance company uses your equity as payments and you can also borrow some of the equity, but when the equity is gone and you stop making the payments, you no longer have $150,000.00 in life insurance in case your husband dies suddenly. Sometimes, the spouse doesn't even know - until its too late. My husband did his best to support me and our children. His job was effected by our economy. He sold Cadillacs. People needed money for food and their mortgage payments. Their are needs and wants. Cadillacs are wants.

So, I don't know when our house will be foreclosed. I don't know how I will survive more heartbreak. By that I mean I have found separate homes for my twins. My daughters and my twins sons and I will no longer live together and we will all have to live separately. I don't know where I will live yet but I'm not worried about me. I have been getting social security money for the twins but it ends in May. People keep telling me that I must trust in God. He will take care of us.

When Den was told he was going to die within hours and our children and I had our time with Den to say our goodbyes (it's surreal-it happened so fast-it didn't feel real-I cannot explain the experience). Den told me: "You will be OK-are children will be OK". But, I am so scared. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER AND HOW WILL I SURVIVE WITHOUT MY CHILDREN!!! Den--- I need to know how we will be OK!

I need to read some of my past posts to see what I have shared - I don't want to repeat myself. My husband was an Army Veteran. The VA -4 doctors, specialists thru him away. They watched him die, they let him die.

Hello again

I realize I keep saying I am returning to blogging, but I truely think I am this time. I want to share a picture of the animal that rescued me. (I rescued my dog Shyann, my itty bitty dog Minnie rescued me). Is she the most beautiful dog you have ever seen? She has brought me so much joy since my husband died. And she has really GOOD hearing. I love her so much. She is my shadow. She follows me everywhere I go in the house. Once I stepped on her foot and she screamed so loud that she broke a blood vessel in her eye. Thank God her foot was OK. She was 1/2 pound when I got her and I had to put a sign on my front door: "Please Do The Minnie Shuffle". Do not pick up your feet when you walk in my house. Shuffle-slide your feet when you walk. And: "NO, IT IS NOT A RAT, IT'S MINNIE" If you have read my previous posts you know I loved my pet rats: Popeye-my one eyed rat and Horehey-I just liked the saying his name. They passed away last summer. Rats as well as other rodents don't live long. Thats so sad. They were awesome pets. Very loving, never tried to bite me. They would lick me just like a dog. Popeye's surgery to remove his eye that was chewed out by a bad ummm... evil bi-polar rat cost $400.00 dollars! He was a gift to me from from my daughter Nicole who gave him to me for Christmas and she had to sign papers saying she would not feed him to a snake. I would love to hear about your favorite animals. My old cat Kokomo is 18 yrs old and thinks she is a dog. She won't use her litter box- she will only use puppy pads. And she only eats dog food. I swear when she meows it sounds like a dog barking. I'm thinking she has multiple personalities. Stay tuned. I have a lot more info to share!