One More Post from me

I have a lot of guilt that I am trying to deal with. I knew Den was sick and getting sicker. I knew Den had faith in the VA. He had Major Medical insurance thru his company and his primary care doctors offices were 5 minutes away. The VA specialists were an hour drive away. I drove him the hour drive to the Salisbury appointments and I now know he cried because his spine and hips were broken because they were eaten up with cancer.

I should have followed my instincts and my amazing unbelievable friends, Mark and Lorie and called 911 weeks earlier. Why didn't I do what they told me what I must do? Mark told me what I needed to do. I didn't.

I am so very blessed to have friends like Mark and Lorie Williams. They are a gift from God. Lorie stayed with me, she slept on a cot next to Dens bed so she would be there for me the night we said goodbye to Den. Our children went home and Den was given massive morphine so he would sleep-all the machines were unplugged and I was able to climb in bed with him and hold him and snuggle with him for the last time. The nurses told me what to expect. His breathing with get slower etc... I had Lorie on a cot next to me and Dens bed and that gave me so much comfort. I held him all night and told him how much I loved him and told him how I was so proud of him and thanked him for being a great husband and father. He was unconscious and close to death at that time but he heard me and moaned. I know not many people get to say goodbye and hold their loved one as they pass away - but it still hurts soo bad. I remember holding Den in my arms and one hand was on his neck and the pulse in his neck stopped. I pressed the nurse button and she came in and and checked his blood pressure and she said he doesn't have a blood pressure anymore but his heart hasn't stopped yet. It will stop any minute. I cannot finish this tonight. Too painful